“Yesterday’s Memories Tomorrow’s Dreams” by Carmen Tom – Skid Road Drunks

Skid Road Drunks

Alfred and Albert were bored to death, they wanted to have some fun, they had been working hard all year on the farm and had built many new parts. They along with old Wilber had been working on a new formula for their homemade beer, one that would knock your socks off after only one bottle. But for now they took some of their home brew and poured it into regular beer bottles. They had saved these bottles from the many parties they had in the year’s prior. So many people could not drink the home made beer they would bring their store bottled beer to the parties. They used these beer bottles to make the drunks think it was just regular beer.

They loaded all the beer into Wilber’s sidecar and packed some of their old overalls in their saddlebags. Alfred said to Albert and Wilber “Let’s move out” so they headed for the Big City. Their plan was to go the Skid Row part of the city, they knew they would see plenty of old drunks there. When they got to the Big City they headed right to the Skid Row. They noticed all of the drunks, some on the sidewalks, some on old benches, some leaning against the wall and some of them in the alleys. They noticed this one fellow didn’t look to drunk so they pulled their bikes and side car over into the alley where he was. They took some of the beer and pretended like they were drinking. It wasn’t long before the old fellow came over and asked if he could have some beer. Alfred gave the man three beer bottles, his eyes lit up like a kid getting candy. He sat down against the wall in the alley and it wasn’t long before he had drunk all the beer.

He went over to Wilber and said could I have just two more? So Wilber gave him two more but told him this was all he was going to get. He drank one bottle and said this has got to be the best beer in the world. It says Harts Beer made in Tacoma WA. This supposed to be the cheapest beer made, but it tasted so good. He was tired and real drunk by now. He noticed a dumpster in the alley and climbed into it, taking his last bottle of beer with him. It wasn’t long and he had fallen asleep and started farting. The smell was really bad you would of thought you were in stockyard. About that time another drunk went by, he was smoking. He threw his cigarette butt into the dumpster, just then the old drunk sleeping in the dumpster gave off a big fart. You could hear it from the next county. The cigarette lit off the fart and there was a big explosion, the side of the dumpster blew out and the lid went flying through the air. It flew so high Alfred could hardly see it. About this time a small plane flew by the lid and hit it. The pilot scrambled to control the plane, he finally landed it in a city park. The dumpster lid was still imbedded in the side of the plane. It wasn’t long after the plane had landed before a large crowd had formed. The police and reporters with all their cameras had come to take pictures. It was the headline story in both local papers.

To this day they’re still wondering how the dumpster lid got imbedded in the side of the plane. Meanwhile old Alfred and Albert were having lots of fun passing out free beer and to all the old drunks. They were all farting so bad Wilber, Alfred and Albert had to put on gas masks, the smell was that bad. After a couple of hours a police officer came over to see what the horrible smell was. He then noticed all the drunks passed out on the sidewalk and saw Alfred and Albert next to the sidecar. The officer walked over and asked them what was going on. He demanded that they give him the beer before he took them to the station. At the same time one of the old drunks let off a huge fart that could have been heard a block away. The cop thought a bomb had gone off. Old Alfred told Albert and Wilber lets get out of here while we still can. They rode off headed for home in old South Dakota. All the papers reported the smell was so bad it lasted for three days. It was a good thing a big rainstorm blew into the city as the mayor was planning on abandoning the city, as the smell was so bad. The tabloid papers got word of their story and really blew it up. They blamed the Russians, claiming they had special gas that would kill us all. Wasn’t long the story died, all went back to normal. All the drunks wanted some more of that beer, but they would get no more Wilber, Alfred and Albert would never go back to the Big City.

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